hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
