Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
