not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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