Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
