Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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