Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
