I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
