you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Randomize
