Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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