and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
