I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
