my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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