her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
