I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
We don't watch enough power rangers
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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