We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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