I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
