she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize