I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
