I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
