I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
