if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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