I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
