so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
