I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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