my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
