i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
