i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
