I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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