I'm gonna have a badass scar
well you can't waste a boner
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
