Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
