Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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