she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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