walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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