Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
