She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
