i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
a search helicopter?!
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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