Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
