Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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