He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
How many fucks given?
0.12846
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
