I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Alive.
So much puke
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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