Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
