I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
