The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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