So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Randomize
