I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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