i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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