I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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