He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
