Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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