So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
