I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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