so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Randomize
