I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
