I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
