this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
