Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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