my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
